.
We both dreamt wildly of the kind of love that never made it out alive.
a love that is more of a creature rather than emotion; that grows within the pits of wombs and starts to eat you to your death. The kind of love that cannot fit in the human body but only in the vast extremity of the abstract soul. So it escapes; in one way or another, to find it’s place in the cosmos with its galaxy soul mate. A love that becomes one of those entities that sweeps through the mind of a artist and causes him to create a masterpiece. The kind of love that views this life as a spiritual prison.
.I thought.
You sat across the room practically making love to your cigarette;
you would move your hand a little every couple of minutes, in a way where your smoke would crease the air skillfully
The deep red of the walls and the persian rug saturated with the sunset coming in through the window made me think of those moments I use to dream of when I was a child.
You bent your head slightly to the side and gave me a smile I did not recognize
and you said: what do you think of all this, what are we going to do.
then and there I knew you understood; I knew you felt the same way I did.
every night after our hands parted and the glue that bound us had to be broken.
that question rang in my head like my future children screaming in sequence for help.
it made my stomach twist and when I thought about it too hard, something felt like
it was clawing around in my stomach, I could not even explain the strange pain.
And as painful as it is, it was also a pleasing and exciting feeling. The combination
of those meant something lethal.
on the other hand, there is another kind of death that it was capable of and it is the worst of them all, a curse that the reaper of the mind casts when your emotions have ate themselves alive, when the glow of your soul has travelled into a void because you did not take care of it. Even sometimes; it is out of your hand. It can be stolen from you, here is the risk.
Who I was before you has seperated itself from my mental body, it has decayed;rotted; I do not even know where its corpse lays, all I know is because of you every second I lived before my eyes met yours does not matter anymore. Life was so small before you, and the more abundant it would seem to get on the outside the more the whispers that nobody ever heard echoed in the middle of nothingness in the middle of all the distraction.
I finally spoke.
” do you have any idea how surreal it is for me to feel full from the inside out. To not feel hunger nor thirst because I am so fucking full of the light you have injected into my very veins”
I stuck my wrist out
“I fucking feel you in the fucking veins”
I put my head down and laughed at myself, a kind of shameful laugh
a kind of I am holding back from letting rivers flow down my eyes kind of laugh
a kind of make love to me laugh
a kind of please leave laugh.
I walked up to you
-
with no expression on my face;
I grabbed my glass of wine and poured it on your shirt
the one you told me an hour ago you just bought yesterday
I stood there and waited for a reaction.
You simply stared at me for a few moments then a smile broke through your mouth
you stood up and kissed my forehead
and whispered in my ear,
“I believe the clay our bodies are made of come fromthe same little corner somewhere on this earth I believe when I was 4 or so and you were born something in me changed because I felt you were alive, the skies sent me a spiritual letter that my soul read and something told me kid your going to go through a lot of shit in this life but don’t worry shes here and has just opened her eyes. You wont find her anytime soon but you will find her. I feel the most cowardice I have ever felt and simultaneously I feel braver than I ever have.”
at that moment I really could not handle anymore, I had become so overwhlemed I felt as though the very black in my eyes would turn blue from the intensity running through my body.
damit why do you have to be so perfect for me
why do you have to accept my unstable tendencies
and my raging hands, The heaviest souls had been to weak for my mind
and even the wisest I have come across could never quite grasp my meaning
you take me as I am, without questioning, without digging for an answer
you refrain from all the things that make me walk away
I can always walk away
now I am trapped.
I remembered the night I met you
how your pale skin and distinct features conjured an orchestra of poems
how the black clothing you immersed yourself in and the way you walked in them
automatically told me somehow there was a part of me that for as long as I can remember was missing, and that thing; that thing; that fucking thing was inside of you. I knew it. It will always be inside of you, I can never extract that from your soul.I would either have to go without it and live my life incomplete or I can keep all of you and all of me.
But did I want all of me and did you want all of you.
since we are a similar breed love has always been something temporary, something
that would never be permanent. High respect was always given but we understood that everything eventually must end, and for us it was rather hastier. There was always more to be discovered, more inspiration to be exchanged, more passionate flavors to be tasted.
You grabbed my face again, kissed my unresponsive mouth, lifted my chin with your middle finger and kissed the bottom of my jawline.
I leaned back
I skimmed your face, your wine stained lips, those cheekbones
your Romanesque, ancient, not of this time.
we stared at eachother so long that it felt as if we have never stared at eachother before. It was as if in those moments that jolted in time, we had literally witnessed our souls moving around in our eyes. we witnessed cosmos, I saw birth, I saw black holes, I saw a creature that was not of earth. I saw your childhood and the nights where you wished you were dead. I saw every weakness and the rivers you shed. I saw your soul standing naked in front of me with no attempt at covering itself. You offered yourself to me in a spiritual way that can not be put into anything physical or abstract. Your third eye had made love to mine. Our pineal glands had become one and had spread a bursting energy through our bodies. Our molecules began to connect and our atoms were binding together. Our cells and nerves became attached. We became a new species a new entity. We became light.
before you started to cry I felt your tears forming beneath your feet
and in that instant they started to make their way up my womb and my spinal chord. you grabbed the back of my neck and pressed your forehead against mine in a panic and in that instant we both began to cry, we cried ancient tears we had held in for so long. there had been unreleased oceans inside of us and sooner or later if we had not found each other and let it out in those few minutes we would have eventually drowned in our barbaric seas.
You said in between your sobs, “I have shared secrets with you I have never exposed and without me uttering a word you are familiar with me. I do not know how this will end, or which death will become of us and if this risk might lead me to be without you for some reason and I wither inside, I”ll take it.
I am crying right now and the universe is crying with me how could I let that go.
our tears had showered our lips
your pressed yours upon mine with both hands behind my neck and said
“Die with me”
I replied
“I will die one thousand times with you.”
-Rune
